Let's try this again...

Well I haven't blogged in a long time, but I've tried to start journaling to try to gather my thoughts, move them outside of my head, & to use them to make life better than it was before. So I thought maybe I could combine my blogging & journaling into 1 task- that's great time management, courtesy of IWU church leadership class under Drury. Anyways most of the people that would read my blog are people I respect and trust and I could care less of what some random dude would say about what I post. So I'm going to post my journal entries & friends I value your comments & insight into what I'm thinking & struggling with. Here are my last 3 journal entries...

Pete


What now?
21st April 2007

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I last wrote, this journalling thing is hard when I get busy. Anyways, last weekend Nicole, some HS students, and I went to the Fusion youth conference at Indiana Wesleyan. It was a great conference, a lot better than last year in my opinion. In my last entry I mentioned how I felt that God was trying to keep telling me something & He kept speaking during this conference. During the messages, during my alone time, & even during one of the youth pastor’s seminars- God was speaking the same issue to me. This idea that God wants to use us, in my case- students, to be the tools of his salvation.
One comment that I encountered at this conference was through Charlie Alcock at the youth pastor’s seminar. He was telling us an illustration that he had read in another book and it resonated deeply within me to the point of almost bringing tears to my eyes. Charlie illustrated the similar experience that all of us have undergone when there’s a point when we’re eating where we become full and the food no longer seems appetizing, it actually might gross us out- even just a whiff of it could make us lose our lunch. He related it to how many students, especially those in the church, have been fed and fed with the Bible, the Church, & our conceptions of what a Christian life is so that they’re to the point of where they can’t take anymore because they’re full. When we’re physically full, we need to go and work it off- to exercise, after which we’ll want more food. And the same goes for our spiritual obesity. I believe this is so true- for me and for the students to whom I serve. So many of us need to work off what we’ve eaten, before we can eat more. So simple, yet it gets me excited right now thinking of what would happen if we actually did it.
So now I’m stuck. I feel like I’m dating a girl that I know I have to break it off with because I see the one I’m supposed to be with. I have no problem breaking it off, but I’m not so sure how to go about dating the new girl. I have 5 weeks left in studentIMPACT on Wednesday & Sunday Nights & I don’t know if I should push for this change during these last few weeks or start in the summer or even in September. But if I decide to wait, then what do I talk about for the next few weeks. I can’t keep teaching them the gospel filled with reading our Bibles, going to Church, & being good people. I want to challenge them & me to save the world (at least how God wants us to). But how the heck do I cast this vision? Where do I start? I don’t want to wait too long and lose this passion, this gift from God, but how do I do it? What now? I feel like God is moving me from teacher to leader, in some ways they’re the same, but in others very different. God be with me, help me to be real & to not shy away from anything difficult, but to approach this with fear and confidence in You. I love you God, thank you for trusting me with this passion.


Life Savers
10th April 2007

Like I mentioned before, I’ve just finished reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claibourne, which was a great read and has spurred some thoughts in my own heart about what following Jesus is really like and how ministry should be done. A couple of days ago I began reading Adventures in Missing the Point a book by Tony Campolo & Brian McLaren, which has sat on my shelf for the past 2-3 years. Though I have only read the first few chapters, it has resonated with me and my questions about the Church, ministry, & myself. I feel like God has been trying to speak to me.
There seems to be an echo of this one idea that I keep hearing, but each time instead of being more faint, it gets clearer and louder. It is the idea of God wanting to save us. When I became a Christian, I knew God was the savior of my soul and saved me from hell by taking away my sins. Since then, that’s pretty much the extent of how I’ve been saved, or at least that’s how I looked at it. Then in college I remember one of my professors, Chris Bounds, saying a few times in class that as he was in seminary or college he thought, “If all Jesus did was save me from hell, then he didn’t do a whole lot for me.” And each time he said that, I kind of dismissed the comment thinking that he was just immature in his faith at that time and thought that getting into heaven wasn’t enough.
But lately I can’t stop thinking about that statement. This past year I’ve been intently trying to read the entire Bible in a year & the past few months, I’ve been working through the Old Testament. As I read the OT, I can’t help but notice how little, if ever, heaven is mentioned as referring to where they go when they die. The OT talks an awful lot about God being the Saver in reference to battles, oppression, slavery, etc, but nothing about saving us from this world.
I finally read Job all the way through for the first time & it was a tough read. Bible scholars say that Job is the oldest book in the Bible, the first book that Moses wrote. Donald Miller in Searching for God Knows What says that maybe why God did this was to show us that in this life we will suffer & that there’s no way around that, but God can and will save us. The more I read and become aware of our world, I realize that there’s a lot of suffering. Not just in foreign countries with poverty, war, AIDS, & famine, but also in our country with depression, despair, divorce, & emptiness. If all God did for us was get us into heaven, maybe he didn’t do a whole lot for us.
I believe God wants to do a whole lot more than that. Jesus came to die for us to bridge the gap of our unrighteousness, but he also came to heal, feed, & love. John 10.10 says that Jesus came to give us the best life possible, not just to get us into heaven. He wants to save us from the suffering that we live in now.
God wants us to use us to save. So many Christians go through their faith like membership in a club- to look, talk, act like you should & to pay your dues. I think people are tired of this. There are better clubs to be in than church- dance clubs, country clubs, etc. But what about being a part of a movement that saves people... that leaves the world better than it was... to make a difference... to heal, feed, & love just like Jesus.
I believe this is what God wants us to do, not just to get people into heaven, because that is just not enough. He wants to use us to save people from the suffering that they’re in now. To set them free to enjoy the life that God has given. What does that look like? I want to know, my prayer is that God would show me. The echos are getting louder and my heart is getting warmer and more filled with a passion to do what I believe God has planned for me.


The First Entry
6th April 2007

I’ve been wanting to develop the habit to journal for a while now. I’ve tried buying a journal and actually writing it out, but that didn’t work too well. I figured since I’m on my computer everyday, I might actually be able to journal everyday if I do it on here. So here goes nothing...
It seems I’m always evaluating myself and the place God has for me in this world. I feel like I haven’t found my niche. I look around at people who seem to be happy and one common thread through them all seems to be that they’ve found something that they’re not only passionate about, but that they’re also gifted at it also. I’ve always thought of myself as a ‘Jack of all trades’ kind of guy. I seem to be pretty decent at most things- music, sports, art, etc. Even my personality is kind of like that too. You know how you always have to take those personality tests in high school and college and they’re supposed to tell you who you really are. The tests tell me that I’m pretty much in the middle for all of them. I’m like 55% introverted and 45% extroverted. As for the choleric, sanguine,... test I’m pretty much in the middle there too. Sometimes I wish I was one of those guys who know without a shadow of a doubt who and what they are. It seems like it would make life so much easier. However, I do delight (maybe pridefully) that I am good at most things.
I just haven’t felt that I’ve found something that I excel at & that at the same time moves my heart to live for it. I have no, or little to no, doubt that God wants me to serve forever through the Church (I at least know for sure that I want to serve Him with my life, all of it). I feel like I’m in limbo still trying to figure out who I am and what I’m supposed to do & I don’t like it. It’s frustrating, depressing, demoralizing, & sometimes it just hurts in ways I don’t know how to explain.
Today I just finished this book by Shane Claibourne called The Irresistible Revolution. To me, it’s a book not only about an attempt of what authentic, Jesus-like Christianity look like, but it’s also about a man who has found the place where his passion & gifts to line up & it’s beautiful. I imagine it’s not always this way, but the impact & difference they are making cannot be done through faking it. He’s the real deal & God has ordained this man to be a prophet that is speaking/living God’s truth.
I want that. Not his passion or gifts, but to know what God has made me for & to be able to do it. That’s my prayer today God. Shine a little light on my path & maybe give me a kick in the ass to get me moving toward it. I love you, & I should probably love you more than I do. As St. Augustine once said, I pray “Lord Jesus, don’t let me lie when I say I love you ... and protect me, for today I could betray you.”